Hemorrhoids or Gemstones?
by Piper Alexis
Summary: Draco Malfoy steals something from Professor McGonagall. In trying to hide it, he puts himself and his friend Crabbe in a very interesting predicament. Warnings: a bit of perverse humor COMPLETED


_I don't own anything JKR created. She has just taught my imagination how to wander its own path._

_This was writen for a challenge issued to me. I know I had it in my 'Of Drabbles and Daydreams' story, but I've decided that I want to keep that only drabbles. This fic being too long to be considered a drabble, I decided to have it stand on its own. So, here it is. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it._

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Hemorrhoids or Gemstones?

"Where did you get that?" Goyle asked, totally perplexed.

Draco Malfoy was standing next to the Slytherin table, in the Great Hall, holding a gemstone almost as large as his hand. It was an ebony color, and reflected the face of the sneering boy on its glassy surface. "Nicked it from McGonagall's classroom. It was sitting on her desk. I had a difficult time waiting for the old bat to leave the room with me still in it, too. I had to act like I was looking for something in my bag until she finally lost her patience and left," Draco drawled, rather pompously.

"Well, what is it?" Crabbe questioned, in much the same manner as Goyle had.

"I don't know, you fool. When I find out, though…" his voice trailed off as a glazed look passed over his gray eyes. He was imagining all the different possibilities in which he could use the gem's power; most of them ways to humiliate Harry Potter and his nitwit friends. Coming back to reality, he said, "Look at it, there has to be some great power hidden in its depths somewhere."

Cocking his head to the side, and squinting up his face in contemplation, Goyle said, "I don't know Draco, it just looks like a pretty rock to me."

"Yeah, if it was so powerful, why would McGonagall leave it sitting on her desk in plain sight? Besides, why would she leave _you_ alone with it?" Crabbe added.

"It's not a rock you idiots, it's a gem, which just goes to show how much you know," Draco snarled.

"Mr. Malfoy, there you are. I need to see you IMMEDIATELY!" came Professor McGonagall's voice, ringing across the Great Hall. She was quickly closing the distance between herself and the huddled group of Slytherin boys.

"Damn, now what am I going to do?" Looking around for some place to hide the large gem, Draco said, "Crabbe, quick, turn around."

"What?" Crabbe asked, bewildered. "Why?"

"Don't question me, just do it!"

"But-," Crabbe managed to stammer, before Draco grabbed his shoulder and forced him to turn around.

Draco quickly grabbed the back pocket of Crabbe's pants and began trying to shove the gem inside.

"Draco, no! What are you doing?" Crabbe gasped, squirming to get away from him.

"Quit moving around so much, you bloody ass. You're making this more difficult than it needs to be!"

Grabbing the seat of his pants and trying to pull away, Crabbe yelled, "**Draco, it's too big! It will never fit in there!**"

Draco promptly smacked him in the back of the head, and growled, "Shut up before I stick it somewhere else."

"Y-yes, Draco," was all that managed to escape Crabbe's trembling lips before he finally submitted to the invasion of his pants.

At this point, most of the students in the Great Hall had noticed the predicament that Draco and Crabbe were in, and took a curious interest in it. They crowded around as Professor McGonagall closed the last few feet of space between herself and her quarry.

Professor McGonagall, arms crossed over her chest and eyebrows peaked, hesitantly asked, "What are you doing, Mr. Malfoy?" From the view that she'd had, it had looked like a very inappropriate act was being put on for display by the two young men.

Finally getting the gem in Crabbe's pocket, both boys quickly turned around to face her. "Nothing!" they both replied in unison, Crabbe conspicuously holding his bottom.

Looking from Draco to Crabbe, she asked, "Mr. Crabbe, why are you holding yourself?"

He sheepishly grinned, trying to move his hands away nonchalantly, and shrugged. "No reason, really."

"Is that so? Would you mind turning around for me?"

Draco glared at Crabbe with a "don't you do it" look on his face.

"I'd rather not," he weakly replied.

"Let me re-phrase myself. Turn _around,_ Mr. Crabbe," she sternly commanded.

Trying to distract her, Draco said in his most flattering voice, "You know, Ms. McGonagall, you look absolutely ravishing today."

She crossly shot Draco a steely glare, and said, "Flattery will get you nowhere, Mr. Malfoy. It's not very becoming of you either."

Draco, chagrined, turned very red in the cheeks.

"NOW, Mr. Crabbe. I'm very quickly losing my patience with the both of you."

Realizing he had no other alternative, Crabbe slowly turned around, hands resuming their position across his bottom.

"Remove your hands please."

Closing his eyes, waiting for the detention he knew was coming, Crabbe, even more slowly, removed his hands. The students around them erupted in loud laughter and cat calls. Where the gem resided, there was a fist sized bulge protruding from his bum.

"Mr. Crabbe, either you've got a severe case of hemorrhoids, or you have my gemstone," Professor McGonagall stated quite bluntly. Now, the entire student body of the Great Hall had joined in the booming laughter.

"Hemorrhoids," he whimpered. "What are those?"

"A very uncomfortable Muggle medical problem. You don't want the specifics, trust me!" Hermione Granger answered, laughing hysterically, tears running down her cheeks. She, Harry, and Ron had all managed to find their way to the center of the barrage of students encompassing the two very embarrassed young men.

Professor McGonagall, finding no humor in the situation, grabbed Draco and Crabbe by the arm, and began dragging them to the entrance of the Great Hall. She paused only long enough to ask, "Miss Granger, would you please inform Professor Snape of the situation and have him come to my office immediately?"

"Yes, Professor McGonagall," she replied, choking back her laughter. "Right away!"

The students began to go back to their seats, laughing over the show they had just witnessed. As the doors to the Great Hall began to close, everyone could hear Crabbe wailing, "But I don't have hemorrhoids!" and Draco's indignant reply of, "Oh shut up already, Crabbe. Save some shred of dignity."


End file.
